Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
