I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize