I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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