It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
