im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think people are normalizing furries
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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