We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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