he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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