so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
