If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Watching her eat just hurts me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
And then he peed in my hair
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