they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
