Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
