I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
