I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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