I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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