Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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