i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
