i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
