Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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