i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
