You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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