You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
