someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
