I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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