Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
a search helicopter?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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