I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize