i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
