my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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