why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
