Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize