I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
