I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you win again, gameday.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
