I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
