I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
