I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
