I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
