i think my tv is drunk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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