My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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