Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
