just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize