Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
