Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
