I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
