I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
