Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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