her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
