Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
should my penis look like a turkey
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
