You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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