I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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