you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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