I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
