Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
