Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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