My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
