The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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