I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
