Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
