Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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