my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
